Ah the mainstream. So comforting, so calm, so all enveloping. Join me, Rich Shapero, as we immerse ourselves in its waters, so perfectly attenuated to our body temperature that we hardly notice it surrounding us. Deeper, further down we swim, through its clarid waters until at last we find the Polyp of Truth, who dwelleth amongst the tendrils and tentacles that stroke the ocean floor. Speak oh great Polyp, pick for us three songs from the mainstream that we may listen and learn.
Ah, here they come, what have we here?
Barking— Ramz
Disappointingly this isn’t terrible, vocorder aside. Even that’s wrong; there’s a kind of 5am melancholy to this song which the vocorder actually helps, weirdly. Perhaps it’s because it basically sounds like Steven Hawking if he did music. It’s not too late Steven [ed. Yes it is]. Lyrics are a bit dodgy and repetitive with too much Kate Nash toothpaste realism thrown in and the Tinie Tempah reference is so on the nose even I got it. I’m not sure what genre this is; is it chilled grime? I don’t know. At least you get the impression he is from Barking as the video is pretty much definitely set there. I’m surprised. It’s not that bad.
The Greatest Show – Huge Action and the cast of The Greatest Showman
I’m not sure what’s going on with this resurgence of musical films. Personally, all that showing off makes my teeth hurt and it seems to me the songs are there mainly to cover up a lame story vis Mamma Mia. This song is a bit of a cheat really, given that it’s from a film soundtrack, but people are buying it, so it must be good right? Apparently this song is the opening number in the film itself and it sounds like it; all over the top positivity and energy. At least it doesn’t have a video to go with it, just the still with Huge Action surrounded by the ensemble is enough to make me feel sad.
Gods Plan – Drake
At the time of writing, this is at number one and while the song itself is the kind of self-referential tripe you’d come to expect, the video has to be seen to be believed. There’s an opening caption; ‘The budget for this video was $996,631.90 – We gave it all away – Don’t tell the Label’. Hmm, but surely the label would have…… No matter, let’s move on. What follows is footage of Drake giving away big wodges of cash, cars and seemingly himself to poor people who ‘spontaneously’ react, cry, fall over and generally lose their shit. It’s strange because they would have to set the cameras up to capture these ‘natural’ moments and surely the people would have…… I think the idea is that it is/was Gods plan that Drake would become incredibly rich in order to subsequently give away someone else’s money to people who might be actors in order to make more money. If you can find a better description of why we’re all screwed, I’d like to hear it.
The seaweed is disturbed and we slip from The Polyps grasp, rising once again towards the world of reality, gasping for air, rasping and bare. Farewell Polyp, may your tentacles be kind and envelope us once more in your cold embrace. But not now, for now we must sleep.
