Another massively delayed by pandemic blockbuster they finally decided to release into the wild. This is about as much as I knew about it, aside from it has Wonder Woman in it and that it’s set in 1984.
- To the point I had no idea Pedro Pascal was even in this til the opening credits. Man must have a lot of pent up aggression to let out from being behind the mask as The Mandalorian, because he’s proper ham shanking it up here. And must have an even better agent than Paloma Faith because this guys in fucking everything this year. Kristen Wiig doing a good job too, especially since her role is Catwoman from Batman Returns crossed with every cliched “wow you’re beautiful once you lose the glasses/awkwardness” bullshit cliche from the last 30 years. Gal Gadot as WW is…actively more wooden an actress than she was in her other DC films, & Chris Pine is ‘durr can’t believe they brought me back again autopilot/invoice attached’.
- Neon colours! Sunlight! Atrocious 80s clothing someone spent a lot of time getting right! Although I remember bum bags being a thing in 91 rather than 84.
- No-one ever refers to her as Wonder Woman in the film. I certainly did though, shrieking the 70s theme at every opportunity. It’s weird how they miss a lot of obvious slam dunks for soundtrack choices too, but that’s music licensing for you.
- The Alex Ross golden armour off Kingdom Come. Which also has its drawbacks but looks cool to begin with.WONDAHHH WOMAAAAANNNN
- This film is a massively soggy 2h 31m. Why? Entire sequences which as far as I remember just repeat the same lessons she learned off her mum in 2 other films. Lengthy & shite comedy sketches. A ride through a firework display that lasts about 10 minutes. This is all shit for a directors cut no-one wants or DVD extras and it’s fucking interminable, just cut to the chase.
- It’s also trying so very hard to ape the feel of the Richard Donner Superman films and never quite getting there, but hey if you don’t notice that you can always clock when it’s
re-appropriating scenes from Indiana Jones. Or Batman. Or using the mall from Stranger Things so they can rip off Jackie Chan.
- Things the admittedly awesome Smithsonian Air Space museum doesn’t have: an airport at the back of it with fully fuelled & operational classic jets with a 24-hour manned control tower & runway. Things it does: the original Starship Enterprise model in the gift shop. They missed a trick not having Pine give that an ironic nod. Also flying WWI planes: same shit as 80s fighter jets. Pine’s passive ghost takes to the bullshit of the 80s like it ain’t no thang, dumped straight into an era that’s going to seem like it’s full of sorcery. Being one myself, best get used to being an immortal who doesn’t age here Diana, you’re gonna lose folk along the way to the ravages of time, pining over someone for 60+ years then acting like a petulant child when it turns out bringing them back from the dead isn’t gonna do your brain, or my respect for you much good.
- You can fly! Did they have to make it look like she was taking swimming lessons in the air though? She looks like Charlie & Grandpa floating about like a pair of fucking buffoons after they nick some of Willy Wonkas lemonade.
- Much as I like the gold armour, once she loses the wings/helmet it makes her look like C3-PO on a smoke break.
- In an otherwise vibrant film, the final battle gets graded in headache grey as WW and a now mutant Cheeto Wiig go Spider-Manning the fuck out round a load of electricity pylons, presumably providing power to the big satellite wish machine. It’s hard to tell what the piss is going on.
- The fuck is with the Irish racism? I’m not getting into the Far East bits, I’m not qualified, aside from: “are you fucking deaf & blind, kids playing football on a long flat road with military trucks all coming at you at 75mph from miles away you simpletons?”
- Also doubting everyone is going to wish for something bad like MORE NUKES, what about all them Miss World contestants that were floating around in 84? A young Skee-Lo, merely wishing to be a little bit taller, and a baller? Why do the rules keep changing to suit the plot? Everything should implode through the sheer weight of everyone with access to a telly contradicting everyone else in the wish stakes. Especially you, Pedro Pascal’s kid!
Should I watch this?
Nah. For all it’s premise of ‘thwart the bad guy & avoid a worldwide catastrophe’, it’s remarkably small in scale and simply boils down to 3 selfish people learning the error of their ways with zero consequence. You have 80 bastard years of WW comic storylines and you went with the fucking Wishmaster plot except without all the fun. Fuck this film, massively disappointing.
If you enjoy reading my reviews, you can buy me a lockdown coffee at www.ko-fi.com/manticoreaw and you will possibly get the chance to become a werewolf. Check out my instagram or Twitter for details on how to buy prints or commission some art. Or you can e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. Boooooo.